Some things are indispensable in life.

Your presence, Lord, is one of them.

Looking back at my life so far, I can see that everything worthwhile has been gained from the one overwhelming need to know You, hear You, see You. The Musician-King knew it too, how nothing else would satisfy…”One thing I ask…this is what I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.” (Psalm 27:4)

You don’t get to that place out of any strength or special insight or goodness. You get to that point because you have come to the end of your own.  It’s unbearable thirst for something More, a hunger that aches till you might well die of all the stuff you consume that isn’t God. You might even find the answer unexpectedly, when you stumble into the wilderness places of life. It’s when you walk in life’s desert places and realize how little this world can give you to satisfy the bone-deep dry thirsting, you begin to realize for yourself what a treasure Jesus was offering when He said that He could give the Living Water that would not run dry (John 10:13-14).

The Singer knew Your presence, longed for You in the wilderness, poured the hollow places of his soul into songs that rose as prayers to You. “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water….Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.” (Psalm 63:1, 3)… water in the desert to refresh a weary traveler.

More and more I understand how backwards we go about life, looking for the things we need instead of looking for the Giver. Even when it comes to the fruit the Spirit of God grows in us, it is so easy to get sidetracked into pursuing a character quality that will make our relationships work better, make us a better person, make us feel better inside– as if we were planting a garden with the vegetables we liked best– missing the point entirely. Maybe it’s just the gardening metaphor that misleads us, or maybe it is our persistent Self-focus at work. See it’s not about cultivating the qualities we want: growing more patience with our kids, or being more forgiving toward our husbands, or gaining more self-control in our eating habits. It’s about what we need the most even when we don’t realize it: a life-giving relationship with the God who has come to dwell with us. It takes time to figure that out as we grow– that it is a Person we are looking for, not a tangible outcome or even an abstract quality.

When the Church-planter Paul talks about the fruit of the Spirit he uses the word karpos, which means simply effect or result. These qualities we are examining then are the result of the Spirit’s presence, much the same as any person has an effect on the room he enters. And so my well-intentioned pursuit of good qualities actually turns into a rabbit-hunt in the brambles (or, to stick with the gardening metaphor, a long labor in the soil with a rake and a hoe) until I never-mind all that and just seek this Person with all the intensity of first love, give myself completely into His care and leave the outcome to Him. 

As the great preacher A.W.Tozer said,  “Before we can be filled with the Spirit, the desire to be filled must be all-consuming. It must be for the time the biggest thing in the life, so acute, so intrusive as to crowd out everything else….We have as much of God as we actually want.”  

“Your presence is all I need; It’s all I want; it’s all I seek, And without it…without it I’m not living.” (I Will Exalt, Amanda Falk)

It always puzzled me, in the parable of the wicked servant, how he was forgiven such a huge debt and then turned around to show no mercy whatsoever to his own servant who owed him money. That huge disconnect never made sense, and when the parable came up in our study this week it got me pondering again. We talked about it in small group, surmising motivations and reading between the lines of the story to get at the heart of the man… and then someone said it and there it was, as clear as day: “He didn’t appreciate the gift he himself had received…he was not thankful for grace.”

Jesus’ story is an answer to a question about forgiveness, and He makes it very clear that our forgiveness of others springs from the recognition that we ourselves have been forgiven of a debt we could never repay: “ten thousand talents,” a figure of speech in those days to refer to an incalculable amount, beyond comprehension. Oddly enough, right in the middle of the story is our word…the servant pleading, “Have patience with me, and I will repay you everything,” which of course he never could in a lifetime of trying, but there we find patience linked to trespassing on another’s rights.

We often use patience to talk about waiting, especially if the lines are long and the children are small. We easily think of irritating circumstances that make life more difficult, times when we need to stay calm and put a smile on our faces. But God ties patience specifically to people who step on our rights, thwart our desires, owe us debts– people who need forgiveness. Paul writes that because we belong to God and are loved by Him, we should wear patience like everyday clothing, “bear with each other and forgive one another.” This is what grows when we live in God’s presence, our fresh-start identities giving us a new framework for relating to the people around us. The church-planter echoes the underlying foundation of Jesus’ story: “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13) Gratitude and joy in God’s gift of salvation spilling out into compassion and kindness toward the debts of others.

At the start of a busy week, I know I need patience; I need the Holy Spirit’s constant reminder of how big grace is, and how undeserved, of the depth of God’s love, and the broad scope of His plans, if I am going to “put up with people even when sorely tried” (Alan Cole). Gratitude is the place to start.

“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11)

**Read the entire story of the servant who didn’t understand grace in Matthew 18:21-35.

There is a stillness under the wide clear sky and golden sun, when the world slows and you become profoundly aware of every rock and tree, the beating of your heart, the play of wind….and the Presence of God around and underneath. That’s what I love best about the wide open spaces of the West. The trick is to find that place of stillness when you get back to the everyday and face the crazy-ness that is work and household and family and your own well-being, when you find yourself so crowded with the stuff of life you wonder if it might crowd the Life right out of you.

And before I know it I am cooking butter-laden “comfort food,” eating streusel coffee cake for breakfast, watching movies too late at night, and shopping online while I keep working harder to get everything done….grabbing onto anything that can dim the roar for a moment of peace. A person’s soul can get spun dizzy and frantic on this merry-go-round and long for a place to rest. Surprising how easy it is to forget where peace comes from, and how naturally we turn to the things around us for comfort. Peace comes quietly and unannounced when you just stop it all, and sit still in the presence of Jesus, when you look around at the world He has made and marvel at grace. Just ask the much-maligned Martha of Bethany and her sister Mary (Luke 10:40-42). It’s when you take the time to stand still in His presence that the uproar inside stills, and there is space to breathe deep. Jesus said it was the only necessary thing, and that its benefits would last into Forever.

We’ve been talking about how so much of the walk of faith has to do with our focus, and here it is again– the busier I am, the easier my thoughts fly everywhere and focus on the To Do lists, but the busier I am, the more my soul needs to stand still a moment and focus on Jesus, to find peace. His peace is right there, and He invites us in constantly. “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” (Isaiah 26:3) It’s only my distracted and diseased soul that pulls me away to focus on my efforts, my worries, my needs, my thin substitutions of peace-for-the-moment…as if it were up to me to find all the solutions, when what I really need is to trust.

So I am re-reminding myself of Truth this day: slowing down to read the verses stuck to my fridge, listening to the songs that turn my heart towards Who He Is, counting the gifts of grace I see…my heart and mind standing still. “Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7) It’s the only way I’ll keep standing at all.

“The more I seek You, 
The more I find You; 
The more I find You, the more I love You.

I wanna sit at Your feet,
Drink from the cup in Your hand,
Lay back against You and breathe, feel your heart beat.
This love is so deep, it’s more than I can stand;
I melt in Your peace– it’s overwhelming” (The More I Seek You, Kari Jobe)

“…the only way to have a peace that passes all understanding is to pass by all that doesn’t let you stand close under the arm of Peace Himself…” (Ann VosKamp)

Her face caught my eye on Sunday, the mixture of awe and hope, the trace of tears, a bit of self-consciousness as she whispered her new-found faith. And then later she posted for everyone to see, “You’re my one defense, my righteousness– oh God how I need You.” Her need and God’s supply fit together like pieces of a whole: The Way-Things-Should-Be. Or maybe it was she who was finally made whole, when she was re-created at the Cross, born anew into the person she was always meant to be.  But it’s funny how we often get that far and then start thinking it’s up to us to finish this faith-journey on our own. It’s not a new stumbling-block by any means; the Church-planter Paul scolded the believers in Asia Minor for the very same idea: “How foolish can you be? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?” (Galatians 3:3)

I heard an older, wiser man sharing last week how he didn’t start growing in his faith until he gave up on the idea that he was a pretty good guy– realized how very much he needed God’s help to follow Christ.  It is a truth we can’t side-step, and one we would all be wise to learn sooner rather than later: our need is the common denominator for all spiritual growth, because until we recognize our own lack we cannot begin to seek Something More. It’s what brings the sinner to the cross, seeking forgiveness. It’s what brings the believer to his knees every day, seeking the power to live as a new creature. Because both new birth and transformation depend on my realizing just how unable I am to achieve God’s goodness and follow His ways on my own.

The crazy-wonderful thing about it is that God loves to hear our cries for help. It’s Heaven’s turning the world’s perspectives upside-down again. We grow up physically and learn to be self-sufficient, equate maturity with independence. But our heavenly Father says dependence on Him is “sufficient for every need” (2 Corinthians 12:9) and child-like trust in His right to rule is “measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ.” (Ephesians 4:13)  It’s what Adam and Eve didn’t grasp in their fruit-tasting experiment– refusing to admit their need for the Creator’s guidance and choosing to step out into their own understanding of The-Way-Things-Should-Be was not growth at all, but stunning failure. So we are learning in our spiritual growth to live as children again, under the authority of our heavenly Father… re-discovering innocence, faith, hope that wonderful things can happen in the world.

As we study the growth of the Spirit’s fruit in us, this “good work” He is doing, I see over and over again that my part is dependence and trust, being willing to be an empty clay pot and seeking More of Him to fill the need in myself.  And I look around at this Family of brothers and sisters and wonder if it is not the mark of every passionate Christ-follower to be willing to live in a state of paradox: always hungry, and constantly filled, crying out in need, and constantly helped. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted….Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” (Matthew 5:3-4, 6)

“Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest;
Without You I fall apart;
You’re the One that guides my heart.
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You…”
(Lord, I Need You, Matt Maher)

“Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is wasted. Unless the Lord protects a city, guarding it with sentries will do no good.” (Psalm 127:1)

The ad on TV finished with the company’s slogan: “Life’s better when we’re connected.” It sparked in me how true that is, but I wasn’t thinking about banking at all. I thought of the bonds that tie us together as Christ-followers, making us One Body and Christ the head. I thought of women sitting around the table listening close, sharing their stories– what God is teaching them as they live out the days they have been given. Of letting each other into sorrows and concerns, being honest about how hard it is to grow sometimes. Of tears and soul-baring and the box of tissues passed around yet again. How there are hugs in the hallway and whispers of “praying for you,” meals brought to the doorstep and willing hands to help. No question, life is better when we’re connected, and the burdens lighten and hearts are strengthened on the journey.

When the Church-planter Paul talks about Christ-followers being connected there is an unmistakable whiff of joy, and the threads of thankfulness and praise start running through his words again. “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.” (Colossians 3:16) I see this– as God’s truth takes up residence in our hearts and we take residence in His presence– how rich our connections with each other become. And it makes sense that there is joy, because Jesus promised that “… where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” (Matthew18:20) Wind, fire, breath of God moving among us, invisible and life-changing, the very presence of the One who is called Exceeding Joy.

It’s the way God meant for us to live, all the branches connected to the One Vine and thus to one another. Is it any wonder we would grow better that way?

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” Colossians 3:12-15

So we are still counting God’s blessings each day, asking for eyes to see His goodness all around– feeling hope rise even as Winter approaches, and joy burn steady at the center of us. And could there be a better time to do it, when the world is turning bright before our very eyes? If Summer shows us the abundance of God’s provision, then Autumn is the season that shouts His glory to the skies.

“In October, what is real is seen: even the trees burn with primeval fire for their Maker and First Love. Now is not the time to be demure in joy. 

In October any wonderful unexpected thing might be possible. Joy isn’t ever in a season, but in the way we see. His Grace, His mercy, His love — saturating everything.” Ann VosKamp

We talked long the other night about the mystery of Joy, how it comes from God and bears little resemblance to the human emotion by the same name. We noticed the unexpected connections, how thanksgiving was inextricably linked to joy, our praise giving honor to the Giver; how trust is the act of recognizing and bowing to the beauty of His nature; how hope springs from acknowledging His power and sovereignty, believing His promises are steadfast and true. It’s as if we were a mirror, and turning our focus on who He is and what He is doing reflects His glory everywhere, lighting up our lives with our enjoyment of Him….Joy shining in us like a candle in the darkness.

It will take time, this unraveling of all the threads woven through one large intangible concept. Is praise an overflowing of joy in our hearts?…or does joy flow when we lift up our voices to praise? And do we trust because we have hope that His promises are all solidly true?…or do we hope because we trust in His solid faithfulness? It doesn’t really matter, except when we try to pry it all apart and find out how it works, so that we understand. The answers are all Yes and Amen in the person of Christ. All the questions boil down to a matter of perspective– it’s all in what we look at, where our hearts are dwelling.

See, joy is not a thing. Not a skill. Not an experience. We study joy because we want to find it, and possess it– we know instinctively that we cannot live without it. Instead we are finding that joy comes from relationship, the response of the human soul to the One who gave it life. And all these habits we can cultivate are not a way to attain some quality, but rather a matter of learning to live in His presence and to know Him more fully– that’s why Paul tells us “Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ – that’s where the action is. See things from his perspective.” (Colossians 3:2, The Message) When we see things the way God does and participate in the work He is doing, finally stop looking for joy…it comes looking for us, and it is a mystery wilder and brighter than we realized.

So we are counting in our journals for the next two weeks, five things to be thankful for every day, and “no repeats.” Seventy all told, written on the pages so we will remember, and I find it is like priming a pump to look for His goodness: the more I count the more I can see Him everywhere. Seventy may be only the beginning by the end of two weeks, and hope and trust unfurling new shoots as the praises continue to flow. It takes practice to turn our eyes on what is unseen and not get distracted by the demands of the unavoidably real everyday; we will choose to praise, choose to trust, choose to hope in His promises…and discover that joy is right there where He is, and all we had to do was step into the Light.

“You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” (Psalm 16:11)

“We bury our swollen prayers in Him who’s raised from the tomb.We lay our hope, full and tender, into the depths of Him and wait in hope for God to resurrect something good.” Ann VosKamp

“The root of joy is gratefulness … It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.” (David Steindl-Rast)

It always comes to mind now when I water my flowers, how the bucket is just an empty vessel to carry life-giving water from the faucet to the thirsty plants.  Our author-mentor Elizabeth used that illustration to explain the way our lives are the vessels God uses to carry His love into the lives of others. Us holding up empty buckets and filling with His endless supply of love, and then taking it to those who are thirsty; becoming the hands and feet and smiles and words that make God’s love tangible to the world. Then back again for More, because if it all works the way it should, buckets will get empty as fast as you fill them. The needs are endless. Fortunately, the Supply is everlasting.

The very first step in this bucket brigade is admitting that you are empty. And its no use trying to fill up with with everything you find along the way. Buckets are only valuable if they are empty and ready to be filled with what the Gardener desires. It’s hard to admit my need; empty feels broken, seems wrong…but You say it is the beginning of something very right and good. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:3) It is the same paradoxical truth that Paul discovered: “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me….For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) When I am empty, then I can be filled with His love.

Mostly, a bucket just needs to be available whenever the Gardener wants to use it. It’s a good choice to make at the beginning of a new week, to present ourselves as empty buckets. It doesn’t seem like much. It’s how a bucket is used that makes its life so meaningful.

“Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry
So I wait for You…
I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for.”
(Hungry, Kathryn Scott)

This morning at the gym, women are working out together and sharing their lives in bits and pieces, so naturally: how feet get larger as we grow older (“What?? They really do that? I have to stop working out with you people.”); how husbands manage to remain in bed at night when the baby awakes; how someone hasn’t been in to class for weeks, did anyone call to see if she is well; and a good book just finished, that someone else could borrow.

It makes me think again how we women are good at loving. We notice the needs and feelings of others, and have a heart to come alongside and help. We understand the importance of connecting, of sharing common moments, of feeling you are part of something larger. We can go without, to meet people’s needs, extend ourselves beyond reasonable bounds, persevere through storms that should make us quit. It is the cry of every woman’s heart to love and to be loved, and she knows it very well, regardless of how she goes about seeking it.

Discovering God’s love for us suits us completely; His command to love others is something we can tuck in among our natural relationship abilities, like adding to the collection– definitely an improvement, something we are quick to take up because it comes with admirable standards and handy “how-to” descriptions. It also tends to confuse us, and we will spend all our days wrestling to mold our natural abilities into something resembling God’s standards, maybe feeling guilty because of how hard it can be to make wayward emotions conform.

See, we women also have a hard time loving. At least loving the way God does. Maybe because we value relationships so much, they have the ability to disappoint us more. The very connections that make life worth living can become a very heavy burden. And our sensitivity to others’ emotions also leaves us easily wounded by what we notice. We can pour out love so naturally… but we often find ourselves running dry and irritable at the ones we are closest to. As long as we look at love as a feeling of closeness, or even a liking for someone, we will struggle to love the way God does, and that is the crucial hair-splitting point on which everything turns.

It’s Jesus who tells us how it works, when He is talking about branches staying connected to the vine: “If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love….This is My commandment that you love one another, just as I have loved you.” (John 15:10, 12-13) Obedience is the key– an act of the will, and very often in conflict with our emotions– and then there’s that little phrase added onto the end of the sentence, only six words, but expressing something so big that it sent the apostle Paul into superlatives: “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39) And suddenly we are beyond the realm of natural abilities and into something supernatural: love that commits to the good of another no matter the cost or the obstacle… regardless of whether it is wanted or returned…love that looks like Jesus dying on the cross for people who hated Him.

Choice…obedience…death…not the words we would choose for a love-letter, but woven all through God’s message of love to us. And to love like this I need His help to push beyond the feelings of a woman’s heart; I need to stay connected to Jesus, who calls me His friend and shows me His own loving heart and explains to me in words what God’s love looks like. Watching Him I am learning a whole new way to love, finding a moment of choice when I am running dry and irritable– a moment in which to ask Him for help, to choose to obey, to depend on the Spirit for the power to bear fruit that is loving.

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” (1 John 4:7-8)

“Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made;
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.”
(The Love of God, Frederick Lehman)

We talked of gardening the other night in Small Group, how Paul wrote about what was growing in our lives: all the weeds that spring up so naturally from Self, and the new fruit that flourishes in the presence of God’s Spirit. The supernatural fruit that is named by the qualities contained in it. One fruit, nine descriptive words of the best, the most longed-for and admired qualities of human life. I’ve heard a lot of words through the years about this fruit, but I feel like only now am I really starting to catch a glimpse of what it means. Maybe we are very often like the blind beggars circling the elephant and trying to put into words the small bits we can touch and experience ourselves…. or maybe we are just too easily satisfied with what our limited perspectives can hold onto, and we could waste our days arguing about the shapes of smaller things and miss the larger truth entirely.

Jesus said it plainly enough: “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10) Only I think we often take that rather literally, more along the lines of our years on earth, because that is how we measure life, as a quantity of moments…and surely we would want them to be rich and full and last forever, so if we could learn to add those nine virtues to our repertoire we would be blessed indeed. But what if life is measured better in quality– by what is flowing in us, and by what we produce with it? And then Jesus’ purpose becomes all about us living in close relationship with God, in the fullness of His own Spirit, and the abundance is this supernatural fruit that grows in us when we stay connected to Him. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control… not as separate human virtues to add onto our list of good deeds, but as one work of art– a portrait of Jesus.

Paul explains exactly what the Breath of God is producing in us, the fruit He is growing: “For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like his Son” (Romans 8:29)….“May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through.” (1 Thessalonians 5:23) Jesus said that if we stay connected to Him, make our dwelling in His presence, the Spirit’s life will flow through us and grow this fruit of Christ-likeness in us.

The power that raised Christ from the dead raising my own spirit from its sin-death? Re-creating me from the inside out, into the person God intended me to be all along, reflecting the image of God? His own Life breathing through me the way it did in Adam and Eve at the Beginning, like sap and sun and rain through branches clinging tightly to the vine? We are feeling our way along like children trying to understand, and this is a much bigger Story than we could ever have imagined on our own– the fruit of the Spirit a much bigger treasure than we suppose. Not just a way to live, but Life itself. “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” (Philippians 1:6)

“Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me…
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You…”
(Lord, I Need You, Matt Maher)

.

“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.” (1 Corinthians 13:12)