In the changes, in the face of a future I cannot see, “Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart.” May the things I love be nothing compared to Your beautiful and awesome Presence in my life. “Thou my best thought…” the first in the morning, the constant reminder when I am working, when I am wrestling with all the little things that can go wrong in a day, when I am tired,  at the close of the day….no matter where I am or what I am doing, “Thy presence, my light.”

When I don’t know what to do, “Be Thou my wisdom;” counsel me with the truth of Your Word. I belong to You, “Thou my great Father,” and You call me Your child. I am never forgotten– You are always with me. When I am scraping by to pay the bills, I will not worry, and when I am blessed with an unexpected windfall I will thank You for Your provision, and use it for good. “High King of Heaven, my treasure Thou art…” what I need above all, at the most basic level of my existence.

In the face of disappointment, let me stay my heart on Thee, remember that all things here will fade and crumble.  They are not big enough to satisfy my soul, no matter how much I cling. Let me see Your face more clearly, hear Your voice, and follow, through every storm of emotion. And one of these days, when I am finished with this race, by Your good grace “may I reach heaven’s joys.”  That is my hope and my reward, “O bright heaven’s sun.” It is why I can keep on walking.

“Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, still be my vision, O ruler of all.” Amen.

(Be Thou My Vision — from 6th century AD by unknown author)

It’s a paradox, like many other truths in the Kingdom, that when you are most needy you are most blessed.  When my heart is hurting, I can receive God’s love and comfort in the most meaningful ways. When I fall short, I fall on Christ’s forgiveness and find a new starting place. When I am most alone, my soul can sense the overwhelming sweetness of the Holy Spirit’s presence. When my spirit is dry and and needy, and aware of all the empty places inside, the Living Water is all I crave. “Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.” (Matthew 5:3)

That’s why the apostle Paul could say “… for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10) My weakness, my lack, my difficulties– traded for Christ’s strength, Christ’s provision, Christ’s presence and love. Hardly a fair trade, but then, the Cross was always about pure, poured-out grace for those who knew their need.

I’m not at the place yet where I can find delight in my weakness. Maybe just knowing where to turn for help is a good start though. And accepting the way this feels, not trying to ignore it or to fill up with something else to fix it any way I can. Because there is only One who is enough for the poor in spirit.

“All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough.” (Enough, Chris Tomlin)

“We are hard pressed on every side,but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)

It was last evening on Rails to Trails, somewhere in the second mile, when I was putting one foot in front of the other, head down, trying not to pay attention to the twinge in my hip and the ache in my knee, that it hit me how much I had missed on this walk. Looking straight up was this sheer glory of gold-green leaves arching against vivid blue, the trademark of early Fall evenings. A few stray leaves had already fallen to decorate the trail with their shapes and colors, and all around was the cool shaded woods, up ahead a little bridge over the creek. And it hit me all at once that faith and determination can indeed choose to take each small step, push me forward to a new place, but if I keep my head down, I will miss all the beauty with which He paints the path.

Eugene Peterson uses a phrasing in The Message version of Colossians 1 that always resonates with me, probably because I need to hear it: “We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.” Faith and obedience and self-discipline can keep you on the right path, but it is God’s strength that makes it sheer joy…thankfulness that paints the trail in all the glorious colors of grace.

So give me eyes to see, dear Lord. Give me ears to hear, and don’t let me miss what You are doing all around me. Let thankfulness re-focus my eyes on You. Let me walk in Your strength and be renewed day by day in this slow and steady race.

I hate this feeling of being stuck, of not liking where you are, or even who you are, and feeling helpless to change any of it.  Time drags, and it seems like nothing will change or get any better, no matter what you try. I’ve been here before too many times to count, and I know in my head the only way to get somewhere else is one small step at a time, faithfully putting one foot in front of another till you get to a better place, even though it feels like going nowhere. Sometimes you just have to walk by faith.

At some point in life I started saying “Slow and steady wins the race” to myself, and I don’t even remember when.  It comes from the old story of The Tortoise and the Hare, when the rabbit races off in a cloud of dust, sure he will win the race between himself and the slow tortoise.  I always felt sorry for the turtle, who could not speed up even if he tried– and how can you help but admire that persistence that keeps putting one foot in front of another till he arrives at the finish line, while the over-confident rabbit sits down to take a nap? It must have made quite an impression on a little girl, because years later that principle still sticks with me.

The apostle Paul agrees: “… one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14 ESV) Pressing on, one step at a time is the only way to win any race at all; I don’t know why we are so quick to gloss over that fact.  Why the tendency to boast that if we had this thing we could run better? or if we were here instead of there we would surely run farther? or if we had more incentive we could finish first? What lack in ourselves are we trying to cover up with all that wind and smoke– when all any of us can do is put one foot after another, and all that matters in the end is finishing? More and more I find myself praying for faithfulness to keep on walking, to do the things in front of me well, for the glory of God, whatever they are– to be content with what He has placed before me. Because the only way to ever get anywhere and to become anyone is to master the small steps, one at a time.

So days like this when I feel stuck in a situation, without the energy to push ahead, I think of the tortoise and repeat his creed, Slow and steady wins the race, and I know that when I am closest to faltering that is when I need it the most.  Just fix my eyes on Jesus and do the thing in front of me, whatever it is.  Show love to that person. Complete a task that waits. And then the next thing, and the next. “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men…” (Colossians 3:23) Because He did the hardest thing, “for the joy that was set before Him.” You could say it is the only solution for getting unstuck– and it is definitely the first step that is the hardest– but faithfulness in the small things is the best way to finish this race and get safely Home.

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2

“His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.”  Matthew 25:23

This is the first Fall in twenty years that we have not been sending someone off to school.  It feels strange to see the piles of notebooks in the store and walk on past, get excited at the colorful desk supplies on the shelves and then realize that none of that applies to us any more.  I have always loved this time of year, the familiarity of the back-to-school schedule, the change in the way the air feels, the color in the trees, the excitement of a home that embraces learning.  In the space, the quiet, I think how this Fall is something new– I wonder what birds do with nests when they lay empty, open to the sky.

My daughter is in another state, unpacking boxes of New, organizing the layers of a home, building a nest that will nourish many lives in the years to come. Learning a new town…looking for a job…making new friends…breaking in her new kitchen with the first cooking adventures…wife, homemaker, all grown up this Fall and excited with the learning of it.

I think of a friend who has just sent her only daughter off to Middle School, worried about the adjustments, and another who is excited to be a grandmother for the first time. Then there is the woman who is welcoming her late-twenty-something son back home for a time, and the one who is taking care of her dear fading mother, and the one who is recovering from serious injuries under the care of strangers. New seasons, and unfamiliar, stretching us to capacity and beyond. And I send up whispered prayers for all of us women finding new challenges on our doorsteps, adjusting to the change of circumstances and roles.

We joke in our small group sometimes about the saying that is on my refrigerator: “This too shall pass.”  Hope for mothers of toddlers and teens indeed, but as I get older it takes on a note of warning, a reminder that there is always more to learn, more good-byes to say, and one season will certainly flow into another before you are quite ready. And where would we be without the kindness and encouragement of other women in all these seasons of life?

In the golden light of this new Fall, I sit in a quiet house and wonder what will come, and remember that this is how God made it to be: all the times and seasons flowing towards Him– always changing and shaping us in them, and coming alongside one another to help– till someday there is an End to every season. And He promises to be with us until then.

“You are peace, You are peace, When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true, Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy, You’re the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, In You death has lost its sting

Oh I’m running to Your arms, I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign” (Forever Reign– Reuben Morgan and Jason Ingram)

“Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” (Philippians 4:13, The Message)